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Calder’s Confessions is Trent Sound’s “Agony Uncle” programme and is broadcast every night from 00.00 - 02.00.
You can email Calder in complete confidence at confession@trentsound.com, depending on your preference, he will publish your problem on our 'Sound Advice' webpage or include it in one of his weekly radio shows. Either way, I can promise that sharing your problem with others can be a huge help, we promise never to publish your real name or email address.
He’s ashamed of me!
My relationship seems to be going wrong, I’ve been with my partner for 6 years and when we met he used to take me out all of the time. Now he seems ashamed to be seen with me and never takes me anywhere. He stills goes out with his friends but never invites me along. When I suggest going somewhere together he makes up excuses and we end up in a row and he storms out. What can I do?
Janet
It’s not uncommon to slip into a dull and boring routine Janet in fact we can all be guilty of letting our relationships go stale. Its easy for you to sit there and place the blame firmly at the feet of the old man but relationships are give and take. Sit him down and tell him that you're not happy and that you think you should be spending more time together. Perhaps make some plans or set the scene one night with a romantic dinner for two? Of course if every conversation you have simply descends into an almighty row, you may have to take more specific action! At the end of the day this is your life and if it isn't what you expected it to be, you might just have to change it yourself! Its important to focus on what you want and where you think the relationship should be going. Work out if you guys still want the same things and if you don't, maybe think about moving on. One thing that may stop your other half taking you for granted is to tell him that the situation needs to change or you're going to walk away.
Is my husband jealous?
I’ve recently re-married and have four kids from a previous relationship. This wasn’t a problem at first but now my husband gets angry with the amount of time I spend with my kids. What makes things worse is the fact that my eldest son and husband fight all the time. I don’t want to have to choose between them but I feel like piggy in the middle.
Olivia
I have to be honest with you Olivia, this doesn't sound like a healthy environment at all. The jealousy and the arguments simply shouldn't be happening. Your husband knew full well you had a family to look after when you got together so he really doesn't have a right to be jealous does he? I would suggest that you work hard on ironing out the relationship between your son and your new husband and then move on to dealing with the jealousy. In many cases just talking things through and trying to hear all sides can work wonders. Its a difficult situation as you obviously love your family as well as your husband but things cant go on this way can they? Reassure your man that you do love him but also make it clear that your kids have to come first. The guy is an adult for goodness sakes but right now, it sounds very much like he's behaving like a spoilt child who can't get his own way. Ultimately of course, if this isn't going to work out, you might have some big decisions to make. Try the diplomacy route first but be firm from the outset and make sure your husband knows your kids have to come first.
Our son in-law is bleeding us dry
My husband gave some money to our son in-law so he could surprise our daughter for her birthday, he wouldn’t have been able to afford to otherwise. But, he has since asked for more and more money and my husband keeps giving it to him. I know he wants our daughter to be happy but we can’t afford these hand-outs, but my husband is too much of a soft touch.
Susan
I don't understand why you're bank rolling your son-in-law? Its all very well writing to me with your gripes but why on earth have you or your husband not got the courage to just say no? I also think this bloke sees you as a soft touch and, lets be fair, he's right isn't he? What you've got to work out in your own minds is how and when to put your foot down and say no! I meet people like you all the time you know. They give me their tale of woe and expect me to wave a magic wand when the reality is that THEY are the ones who can make things better - not me! Stop cowering away from confrontation and tell this freeloader that the bank is now closed. Sure, you may find it uncomfortable at first but its just a conversation and you'll only have to have it once. The alternative is to go on propping up this idiot while you see your hard earned cash vanish from right under your noses.
Do I still love my ex?
I recently bumped in to my ex-boyfriend and we got chatting, I felt like we had never been apart, we swapped numbers and he has text me a few times. He hasn’t sent anything suggestive, but I still feel guilty. The problem is, I have a boyfriend and I do love him but I can’t get my ex out of my head. What should I do?
Marie
If you were sat there telling me that you're free and single, I'd say go with the flow and see how things pan out. That's not the case though is it Marie? You're already in a relationship and it would be wrong to muddy the waters and start hankering after this ex. The simple fact you're head has been turned is sounding alarm bells for me though to be honest. If you were happy and contented in your current relationship, I don't think you'd give this other guy a second thought. Take a long hard look at where you are right now and work out if that's what you really want. Of course it’s not a crime to meet up with old friends but you know yourself that there's more to it in this case. If I were you, Id be focussing my efforts on my partner rather than day dreaming about somebody else. As for thinking you still love your old flame? I very much doubt it, you're probably more than a little flattered by the attention that's all.
My best friend stinks!
Recently I’ve noticed that one of my friends has really bad BO. A few of our other friends have noticed this as well. It is becoming harder to spend to time with her, as it is really bad. I want to tell her but I don’t want to hurt her feelings.
Julia
Turn the tables Julia, would you want everybody talking about you like this? I very much doubt it! I know its not exactly going to be easy to speak to your friend about this but sometimes, you really do have to be cruel to be kind. I wouldn't waste time dropping any hints or anything like that, just take her to one side and be honest with her. She may or may not be aware of her problem but either way, if you start talking about it, you'll be able to help her. Ultimately, if this goes on unchecked, she is going to start losing friends isn't she? You clearly like the girl so do her and yourself a huge favour like any true friend would. Good luck.
Can I forgive him?
My husband had an affair with his best friend’s ex-wife. He told me everything detail and now he expects me to just forgive him. We have been married for 24 years and he promises this is the only time it’s happened and he will never do it again. I want to believe him and get passed this, but I don’t know if I’ll ever trust him again.
Serena
Betrayal is never easy to accept and after 24 years of marriage you have every right to be upset Serena. The man has shown you absolutely no respect or consideration has he? I wonder why he decided to confess? Perhaps his mate had found out? The fact is, this has happened and its something you really do have to confront. Sweeping it under the carpet is a recipe for disaster as your feelings will just get stronger and stronger and you'll end up being completely bitter forever and a day. I've always maintained that trust is a vital ingredient in any relationship and in this case, if you can't learn to trust your husband again, you may as well apply for a divorce right now. Only you can decide whether or not to move things forwards or just away but whatever you do, its got to be your decision. Keep talking things through with your husband until you're 100% certain that you have all the answers. Marriages can and do survive infidelity but each case is different and there are no guarantees either way. If you find you're getting nowhere and you're still desperate to save your marriage, marriage guidance might be the way to go.
I’m scared my son will join a gang
We live in a really bad area and there are lots of gangs hanging around all of the time. At the moment my son only really has one friend; they both get picked on by these gangs. There have been times when his friend has turned on him in order to look tough in front of these people. I’m scared my son will try and become part of the gang so they won’t pick on him. What can I do to stop it? I don’t want my son to end up like so many others.
Shirley
I think you're probably echoing the sentiments of every self respecting parent out there. Of course you're right to worry, after all regardless of how well you raise your children, the minute they venture into the big wide world alone, it can be terrifying. Aside from upping sticks and moving somewhere else, you're going have to rely on your son being smart enough to avoid getting sucked into this gang culture. Locking him in the house 24/7 isn't an option is it? So long as you maintain a good relationship with him and make him feel like he can talk to you about anything and everything, there is a good chance he'll be ok! Take a look round for local youth clubs and activities that might interest him. Not every child on the street is a thug and encouraging your boy to mix with the right people will go a long way to helping him stay out of trouble. I know it isn't easy to ignore your worst fears but you do have to try to keep them in perspective don't you? Provided you keep your eyes open and actively help your son to move forwards in his life and be constructive, I'd say you were doing everything you possibly can for him.
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